50 Alternatives To Violence

I got this from an another newspaper article — The Best Things In Life Are ___?___.

Thirsting for revenge? Itching to smack someone’s face? You don’t have to use black magic, much less effort to violence to avenge you honor.

Remember that vengeance is sweet and best served cold and casual. Here are a few suggestions on how to get even:

1. Name you pet after your enemy. Calling your slimy iguana after someone you abhor may eventually make you foe’s name less abhorrent to you as you learn to associate it with your beloved pet.
2. Deliberately misspell her name when you’re writing it down, i.e., Enday Pakshet or Mumung Putsanamano.
3. Never say her name when talking about her. Treat her like an inanimate object, avoiding the use of personal pronouns. Instead of saying, “Pretty ba siya?!”, you say “Pretty ba yun?!”.
4. Doodle on her pictures and “transform” her into the most horrific monster you can draw.
5. Conjure up all sorts of terrifying looks when you are looking at her in person. Picture her with a wolf’s tail or with eyes popping out of their sockets.
6. Put her pictures on your bedroom floors you can “walk” all over her.
7. Use her photograph as a dart board.
8. Cut off any links with her. Remove her name & no. from your phonebook & deny knowing her if anyone asks.
9. You may also keep the number & use it to prevent her from having a good night’s sleep. Ring her up in the middle of the night then hang up as she answers.
10. If you do not want her to have your no., send her you psychiatrist’s business card instead.
11. If she requests for your no., do not lie! Give her your old, inactive one instead.
12. If she know the real one & she calls, just let your cellphone ring forever.
13. Call a radio DJ using her name & speak terrible, terrible English.
14. Clog her email by forwarding credit card ads.
15. Send her solicitation letters occasionally.
16. Send her a self-made chain letter that sets a task that is impossible to accomplish within the time set.
17. Top her efforts. If she owns something you also like, get yourself something PRACTICALLY the same but with additional features. Or if you are both writers but her career is doing better than yours, try to win at least a Pulitzer prize.
18. Write to an advice columnist & tear her character to pieces.
19. Make her the star in your future gender-bending novel as a fickle-minded transsexual who, after a sex-change surgery, decides to revert to her original self.
20. Be late if you have an appointment with her.
21. Do not greet her! If you she greets you first, do not respond.
22. Subtly cover your nose when she’s around.
23. Make her pay foe her fare when you are in the same public utility vehicle.
24. Walk ahead of her if you are walking together.
25. Call attention to your best features when you’re face 2 face. Twirl your curly locks or pout your full, red lips.
26. Smile at her significant other. As smiles can draw people to the ones giving them, he might get the wrong romantic idea. But that’s his problem.
27. Fake an accent when talking to her.
28. Turn a deaf ear when she call you.
29. Pick your nose while talking to her.
30. Rid your eyes of “cobwebs” too, while talking to her.
31. Talk brightly about something she knows little about.
32. Don’t laugh at her jokes & don’t applaud after her performance.
33. Pay her false compliments when she least deserves them.
34. Signal her to be quiet when she speaks.
35. Point a wand at her direction. A wand can send her off negative vibes.
36. Point her the electric fan at her direction using the highest setting to ruin her hair.
37. Do a variation of this trick with the air conditioner, setting it in near-freezing temperature for her.
38. Pick at your food if you eat together.
39. Offer her chopsticks if you know she doesn’t know how to use them.
40. When in a group, offer candies, making sure there’s only enough for everyone, except her.
41. Expel “air” and various kinds of “fluids” in her direction.
42. Scrape the scab from a wound when she’s watching.
43. Scrub yourself all over with your hands.
44. “Show off” your athlete’s foot.
45. Shut a door to her face.
46. Support her vices, like offering cigarettes if she smokes.
47. Blow cigarette smoke in her face.
48. Give her a roundabout route if she asks direction.
49. Rev your engine in her direction, if you have a car or any vehicle (a Caterpillar machine is very considerable..)
50. If, in a reconciliatory gesture, she asks, “Are you mad at me?!,” in a syrupy voice, reply, “Whatcha talkin’ about?!” I will suggest you do not like her without having to say so.

By sticking to more moderate & subtler ways of getting even, you may be able to avoid attracting negative karma.

~ by pipsqueak08 on 24 June 2008.

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